Arrange Marriage, Love Marriage and the Beyond

By Osho, Posted on Feb 6, 2011

 There are things which will go on happening without your doing; you have just to wait -- and there are things which you have to do; only then will they happen. And slowly slowly, the things that happen by doing became more important: they are your material possessions, your money, your power, your prestige, your palaces, your empires. They won't happen just by waiting. By waiting, you will not become Alexander the Great. So because things which happen only by doing became important, humanity has completely forgotten the whole area of things which happen.

Love happens, you cannot do it -- although all over the world people have been trying to do that. And it is so strange that the world has not yet recognized the utter failure....

Parents, for centuries, have been arranging marriages for their children. Astrologers are asked, palmists are asked, everything else is inquired about -- the family, the wealth, the character of the people -- but nobody asks the boy and the girl whether they love each other. Love is not a subject of inquiry at all. It is taken for granted that once they are married, they will love.

For thousands of years humanity has been doing that, and certainly when a small boy and girl are married, they start being like brothers and sisters also -- fighting, playing with each other, quarreling. They never come to know what love is; they think this is love. They produce children, they buy ornaments for their wives, the wives try to make the life of the husband as difficult as possible -- in every way, and they help each other.

Love Marriage: Revolt against Arrange Marriage

It is only just in this century that people started saying, "Unless we are in love, we will not marry" -- and that, too, only in a few advanced countries.

But love is a question about which you cannot do anything. Either it happens or it does not happen. It is not within your control.

`Love marriage' came into existence but is not going to survive, for the simple reason that love comes, happens, and one day suddenly goes. It was not in your hands to bring it; neither is it in your hands to keep it. The old marriage failed because the insistence was that you should love your wife, you should love your husband. It was a `should'. And you could not even conceive how you could love; at the most you could pretend, you could act. But love is not a pretension, is not an acting. You cannot do anything. You are absolutely powerless as far as love is concerned.

The old marriage failed.

The new marriage is failing because the new marriage is simply a reaction to the old marriage. It is not out of understanding, but only out of reaction, revolt -- `love marriage.'

You don't know what love is. You simply see some beautiful face, you see some beautiful body and you think, "My God, I am in love!" This love is not going to last, because after two days, seeing the same face for twenty-four hours a day, you will get bored. The same body... you have explored the whole topography; now there is nothing to explore. Exploring the same geography again and again, you feel like an idiot. What is the point?

This love affair, this love marriage is failing, it has already failed. The reason is that you don't know how to wait so that love can happen.


Love with Meditative Awareness

You have to learn a meditative state of waiting. Then love is not a passion, it is not a desire. Then love is not sexual; then love is a feeling of two hearts beating in the same rhythm. It is not a question of beautiful faces or beautiful bodies. It is something very deep, a question of harmony.

If love arises out of harmony, then only will we know a successful life, a life of fulfillment in which love goes on deepening because it does not depend on anything outer; it depends on something inner. It does not depend on the nose and the length of the nose; it depends on an inner feeling of two hearts beating in the same rhythm. That rhythm can go on growing, can have new depths, newer spaces. Sex can be a part of it, but it is not sexual. Sex may come into it, may disappear in it. It is far greater than sex.

So whether the person you love is young or old does not matter. Every woman has thought once in a while... many women have been asking their lovers, "Will you also love me when I become old?"

I know about one of my friends -- he asked me, that's why I know -- that the girl he loves is continually asking him, "Will you love me when I am old?" He asked me, "What should I say?"

I said, "Why are you bringing me unnecessarily into this trouble? This is your business. You say anything. What do you feel?"

He said, "If she becomes like her mother, I cannot love her. And most probably she will become like her, so that is the only fear."

So I said, "Say it clearly, that `Your old age is not the question; but if you become like your mother then just forgive me, I will not be able to love you.'"

He said, "But then everything will be finished, because then her mother will be angry, and the whole thing depends on her. I am persuading her mother. The father is dead; she is the only one to decide about the marriage. Secondly, the girl will also get angry, because she also knows that she will become like her mother. All the symptoms are there."

I said, "Then keep quiet. Then when the difficult times come, see me again."

He said, "But that girl is so insistent. She wants to know before marriage."

I said, "It is simple. You start asking her, `When I become old, will you love me?'"

He said, "That's good, because I am going to become old just like my father, and she hates my father just like I hate her mother. That's absolutely right."

And he told her, and she said, "Never! If you become like your own father, I am not going to love you. I will divorce you immediately."

The boy said, "Then when the difficult times come, we will see what to do. But why bring in these questions from the very beginning?"

But all your love is dependent on such small things -- the size of the nose, the eyes, the color of the hair, the proportions of the body. These things have nothing to do with love.


Key to Harmonious Relationships

Love is a feeling of harmony with an individual, of accordance.

So it is not only with the relationship of the master and the disciple; in all your relationships, if you wait and watch for a harmonious moment with existence, you will find that things are happening that you could never have been able to do.

Many flowers are possible, many poems and songs are possible.

Many stars are born out of harmony, waiting, and being alert.

Things are happening, but you have to be conscious. Many times things are happening but you are not conscious. You miss what was your very right, just by being sleepy.

My teaching is basically of let-go. Things that happen only by doing are mundane. I am not against them, but they are not the essential part of your life. If you want to have a beautiful house, you will have to build it, it is not going to happen. Whether you are a Christian Scientist or you believe in THINK AND GROW RICH, nothing is going to help. But these are non-essential things.

Essential things... love, joy, cheerfulness, a sense of humor, peace that pass the understanding, an inward journey to find yourself... these are the essential things which you cannot do, which you have to learn to allow to happen.

So keep a clear-cut idea: what has to be done should be done, and what has to be allowed to happen should be allowed to happen; never interfere with it.

And also remember: the essential is that which happens on its own, and the non-essential is that which you do.

Your doing cannot be anything sacred.

That's why I say that all the temples and all the churches, all the statues of God made by man are mundane. Whatever is made by man cannot be higher than man.

It is a simple arithmetic: What is higher than man always happens, it is beyond your doing. You are always at the receiving end. You have to be just open, receptive, grateful to existence.

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